Sam Whiteoak is a British author and blogger with an actual disorder which makes her use the word 'actually' several times in a sentence. When in the grip of an attack, she has been known to actually use it up to 6 times in an actual sentence, actually. Born and raised in the rural county of Norfolk, England. She is a frequent contributor to Jenny Lawsons The Bloggess. Although recently banned briefly after posting 4 comments in less than 30 seconds. However, when Jenny found out that Sam actually lived 4000 miles away and has a crippling basic geographical knowledge which means she struggles to find her way to the end of the street, never mind the nearest airport. She realised that Sam posed no threat and dropped the stalking charges.
Sam is well-known in her local supermarket where she likes to do all of her grocery shopping. She is a well-travelled wine expert and has been known to travel as far as 10 miles in search of the best wine promotions. Her most successful being the 3 bottles of Cote de Rhone for £10 on offer at a supermarket in the next town.
Creator of the 'MANN, I IS UGLY!™' Beauty range, which boasts best-selling items such as the 'hot foofoo gusset flanel-for fresher lady lips on the go..'™and of course, the world-famous clitstick™ - Which prevents chaffing and available in a range of flavours. And endorsed by the local postwoman, the 'With a face like that, a few wrinkles are the least of your worries™' Anti ageing serum. All products available at the local yard sale.
She lives with her cats who are all very successful in their own right. Tomye West, the renowned DEEJEEY and Cat-rap artist. Twix Moon child Swamp, a well-known activist in feline rights, and Champion free runner. and of course, Fudge Fat Fucker, a master chef, proud user of frequent profanity and joint owner of the 'You call that a fucking portion?' restaurant with Gordon Fucking Ramsey.
Sam's first novel, 'What would Jenny Lawson do?' - A guide to coping with life and shit. Is a must read for all of those who remember Clarissa Explains It All only to discover that actually, Clarissa didn't explain bugger all and you still have no idea how to cope with things like broken washing machines and finding the bread is mouldy when it is 11pm and you wanted toast for supper.... It will be available in Hardback Ring Binder covered in the wall paper of your choice,and published by The photocopier at the local Post Office.
Praise for Sam Whiteoak…….
i don’t understand your line of thought. could you make it clearer please? - cissagata15. - Random spammer in Sam's trash box.
You can come in, but I want to check you pockets when you leave - Ivan Snarfwaddle. Local supermarket Manager.
I still can't believe that she does this, it was news to me she could even read, never mind write!– Sam’s Mum.
Meeeeh....Meeeeh, fucking mofo....Meeeeh... – Fudge Fat Fucker. Sam's cat.
WTF? You know you have put the butter in the dishwasher again... - Chris. Sam's boyfriend.
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