Actual shit I found on the internet

So, I know that The Bloggess already has a 'Shit I found on the internet' bit on her weekly round-up, but Jenny doesn't mean shit in the literal sense, unlike me. So this post really is shit I have found on the internet.

Okay, so I found this in the supermarket and not on the internet, but I am sharing it on the internet and it's my blog, so I can be a vague as I damn well like for my post criteria...

 

I was rather intrigued to see a comment on an article about Sharon Osbourne in the Daily Fail this week which in my opinion required further investigation

  - " Ah yes the lovely Mrs O, who by her own admission used  to send boxes of poo to people who annoyed her. So classy, how proud we all are  of her."    Nicky -Lincs,   - 

So, aside from feeling sorry for Nicky who sounds like a laugh a minute, and of course being from Lincolnshire would be the epitome of class.. *ahem*  my little shit detector ears pricked up.  I had a little bit more of a cyber dig with a tiny virtual teaspoon and found this interesting article here.  I  love Mrs O.  I know she isn't everyone's cup of tea but then quite frankly, neither am I and I have always said we are very similar - except my bank account is considerably smaller so I can't afford surgery but I tell you what, if I had the cash, I would be having every fucking anti-ageing treatment available...Now I have the proof that Sharon is indeed the fellow pea in my pod,  I think I should  try and launch Kitty Krap™ as a genuine business and its only proper to make Mrs Osbourne aware of my endevour...Can you imagine how funny the adverts for it would be?

And as a back up plan, I have already looked into swapping from my English Language and Literature degree on to a Poopology Degree.  Seriously! Poopologists are real people . Okay, they may not be called 'Poopologists', but they totally should be.....I wonder if they have varnished tiger poo like my friend David  I mentioned a couple of weeks back?

Do-doo's from a Giant Ground Sloth which was the size of a grizzly bear...and it would need to be one big bastard if was going to be passing these...It makes my eyes water just looking at the picture. Having said that, I have on occasion been the unfortunate discoverer of a floater left from the previous occupant of the toilet at work and OMG! I struggle to believe that they come from a woman! They are almost elephant poo-esque in their stature...

 

And finally - Okay, so I have run out of turd pictures!!

Apparently the 43 pounds just dropped clean out of her purse while she was getting out of the cab. No matter though, because some kind soul suggested having a whip round for her and started it off by shoving a £2 coin up her anus.

Nothing says I hate you, like a gift wrapped cat turd..

Recycling is good for you, me & the whole fricking planet. That's why I am recycling some of my favorite posts!! No, you really don't have to thank me........

Do you know I am so lucky to have such wonderful friends! This morning, I was all kind of "What the hell can I blog about today??" and then one of my friends made a comment that her boss was a complete arsehole and another friend suggested filling his office draws up with Jello. And with this I was struck by the most fantastic idea!! What if there was a company which could send the object of your irritation a kind of 'not-gift' which would leave them in no doubt that they were hated or teminally fucking annoying  or both...sort of like a smack in the mouth, but without the violence Or correction fluid in their coffee, but without the prison sentence for attempted murder...I am sure you are getting the idea. And of course it has to be something you can send through the post..- but not Anthrax on the back of a postage stamp...And then I had the light bulb moment....CAT TURDS!!! It's perfect! Not only would it get your message across, but I would at last find a way of recycling my kitties poop.  And this has been a concern of mine for sometime..Have you ever seen how much crap three strapping house cats can produce in a week?? Of course, they would be magnificently presented...

Available in the 'one turd warning pouch' Ideal for the Douche bag who really is testing your patience..

 

Want something with a bit more substance? How about these.....

The Turdily Pretty Kitty Poop™ A selection of the smallest offerings from the litter tray. A perfect  gift for the bitch in your life....

 

 

 

Or the man-sized Turd Mountain™.  Specially selected offerings from the largest of my feline friends.

 

 

 

 

 

and for that special occasion...

Nothing says "fuck you, arsehole" like the Deluxe Kitty Krap™ box! This beauty is full to the brim with a selection of poopy doops (Please note, Kitty Krap is a naturally occuring product. Therefore, size and texture may vary depending on the diet of the cat responsible for laying it).

 

 

 

All Kitty Krap™ gifts are available with matching gift cards and a message of your choice. However if you prefer to remain anonymous, you can choose  a poem from my Inappropriate Collection to accompany your gift to that special person....
PRODUCT UPDATE:
Seasonal gifts now available in the Kitty Krap™ Range...

Make Fireworks night go with a bang, with this flaming special. For a small fee, this turd is hand delivered to the doorstep and set ablaze..

And of course, if you are talking special gifts, well don't forget Christmas! This Santa's Yule Log Special is available in a choice of cheerful wrapping paper and contains added kitty litter for that festive Kitty Krap™ feel..

Winter fun in the WTF department

So, its been a while since the WTF department has had an airing in public.  I thought it was time I opened it's windows and got rid of that musty smell of fart and cat pee.....If you are not familiar with the WTF department, you can read my original post here. And it really is worth a read, even if I do say so myself. The photos never fail to disturb me every time I see them.   So let's get down to it with a selection of shit advertisements I have found on the internet and (mostly) Facebook recently...

Good Grief, I should think the hours just fly by at this womans dinner parties...Some people and comedy just should not be allowed.  And if you think this is hilarious, then you are clearly one of those people.. I mean WTF? What TV sleuth is she supposed to be?? Oh, wait...she isn't the actress that plays Colombo in China or something is she??

If you can see what I can see, I don't think either of us should be counselling anyone..

Ok, so maybe I could be dyslexic...I could see no benefit to taking Cholera in tablet form

What is the simple trick dermatologists hate? People with the gift of fucking sight, obviously! Not even if I screw my eyes up really tight and peep out of the pin prick holes do I think that this woman looks 33 years old.....If you look close enough, you can see her Zimmer frame in the background...

This diet is easy. All you do is stick this photo of some smug bastard with his "Do you really think you should be eating that?" face to the refrigerator! Hey presto! You drop 7lb in a week....or you kick his smug arse face in, either way it's a win - win situation.

No Facebook! Just NO!! This is wrong! This person is NOT HOT!! and looking at him, I was just a bit sick in my mouth. Whoever wrote this ad has no idea what women want and probably doesn't even know what a vagina looks like, never mind a clitoris.......Or though does have a good idea of what a total cock looks like...evidently.

****** UPDATED ******** SORRY, BUT I JUST FOUND THIS.....

Apparently you can now train to counsel people who have ugly babies too. I apologise if this child happens to belong to anyone I know because that is one butt ugly kid and you have my deepest sympathy. But hey! stay positive, plastic surgeons take patients as young as 16 now...

Just how well did you think that one through?

I think Marketing/New Product Development departments are missing a vital part of the process when they develop and launch a new product. Before a product is placed out there in the market place, any ideas should first be run through an interim department. It should be called the "What the fuck? Department" and its primary job would be to spot anything which could potentially cause a company embarrassment but could easily be missed on account of many marketing types having their heads jammed firmly up their own arseholes.
For example:
I found this in my local supermarket.

A cock and balls (with eyes) INSIDE A VAGINA

Now it just looks like someone having oral sex

Yes, this is a genuine product  & can probably be found on a supermarket shelf near you (hopefully the top one).
EPIC FAIL.

Friday words of wisdom

Ok, so the title is probably a lot misleading. I wanted to do kind of a weekly thing filled with all the little random turd nuggets I can't bulk out enough with waffle to fill a whole page but I couldn't think of a title so yeah, work with me on this one for a bit.  It is however Friday, so it's not completely bollocks, just mostly....



I don't use Tinder, so forgive me if I don't really have a clue how it works.  But I reckon it's like the tinterweb version of the really cheesy chat up lines that people used to try in the nightclubs when I was younger.....  I had an Australian friend, who I will call Jade - because that was her name -  She used to chat guys up by asking them if they wanted to see her map of Tazzie.  Which according to her was Aussie slang for a lady garden...I have no idea if she was lying or not but it sounded plausible to me after 8 Bacardi Breezers and to her credit, it did yeld her some excellent results.  Sadly (or fortunately, depending on your view)  the same couldn't be said for me asking guys if they wanted to see my map of Swaffam.  Anywho it all kicked off this week when some woman said that Tinder was basically shyte and they came back & said "eff you hoe, we rock & we're responsible for a shit ton of marriages."  So now my word (or words) of the week is (are)  "Shit tons" Which according to my twitter chum yes, in deed is a recognised unit of measurement.



Twitter has changed the favourite icon to a love heart.  so I think it's only right the notification should change to highlight this.  if someone presses your love heart, I feel that 'Cletus favorited your tweet'  doesn't do it justice. should be something like 'Cletus fucking loved your tweet'. Actually maybe there should be two buttons? so you can 'favorite' ones out of politeness & a 'fucking loved this' button for the ones that you wish you'd thought of first.  I'd be all over that, shit tons!!!



 Remember #WheresRory from earlier in the week? Of course you do! Unless you have dementia or something then maybe you don't, Maybe you wish you had dementia because I've just reminded you of it? Whatever, I don't know...sorry about that.  Well I was quite impressed with Chris when we took Rory out visiting Norwich, he totally embraced the challenge.  Standing in a surf shop (don't ask) His eyes suddenly glazed over and he started pointing and squeaking "RORY!!" like a little kid whose just spotted the ice cream van (he actually does that too, but that's another post).  Anyways, here we are, this is his take on it.......



Chris #WearsRory



Do you wonder what your thoughts would actually look like if they were a person? Well I found out this week when I discovered a brilliant blog. If you ever needed an insight into the random thoughts inside a middle aged ladies head  without installing surveillance cameras around my house,  then here it is.  I LOL'd my head off.  Bridget definitely belongs in my tribe.. The picture isn't me or her by the way. I have no idea what Bridget looks like when she does her grocery shopping but it's a fairly good example of what I look like in the supermarket....Except I have my cats in one of those double baby seat trolley things....
& I just decided these kind of weekly snippets are going to be called FFS Friday's.  Like my WTF Wednesdays, just on a different day.

These dreams go on when I close my eyes..(Which is probably just as well because if shit like that really happened when I was awake, I'd be sectioning myself)

I had a very odd transport themed dream last night..I'm not sure if it's down to the hours I am working at the minute or the UFO moving when I closed the curtains, which turned out to be a star with the reflection in the double glaze of the window making it seem to move..Or was it? Maybe my dream was the result of an alien abduction....
I was waiting for a taxi but instead of taking me where I wanted to go, the taxi driver just wanted to engage in some kind of pose down with me & kept telling me to feel his biceps...So enough with this shit, I decided to find another way of getting to where ever it was I wanted to. Next,  I was waiting in a queue for a bus & Bob Monkhouse came along and tapped me on the shoulder with a hot melt glue stick.  He asked me if I was waiting for the number 17? I said no, so he jumped in front of me in the line. The guy next to me looked at me funny & said who were you talking to? Bob Monkhouse! I said. The guy replied, don't be ridiculous, he's dead...I said no he isn't he's waiting for the number 17 to Sprowston. So anywho, still unable to get to where I wanted to go I decided there was nothing else for it & next thing I know I was driving a stolen bed through Thetford forest. Seriously, you would not believe the cornering abilities of a 3ft pine framed single...I drove that bitch like I stole it..which of course I did...
This is me completely medication free so I can't even blame that. And what makes it worse is that I have no fucking idea where I wanted to go or if I even got there but I do know I need to apologise to a very good friend of mine for telling her that her butt had got huge & also stealing a cucumber sandwich off the silver platter that her maid had left out for her husbands tea. I thought I'd gotten away with it too until I saw him staring at me from underneath a nest of side tables.  Man, I was so pleased I could jump on my pine framed 3 footer & get the fuck out before he came after me.......
If there happens to be anyone out there who can interpret dreams, please feel free to have a go at this one & let me know whether I need to lay off the late evening caffeine boost or whether I just need to seek professional help...Thanks in advance.

Advertising the Normal for Norfolk way....

I was reading a blog post from someone yesterday (who I am not allowed to mention under the terms of the restraining order) and it reminded me of one of my favourite things to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon

I love

defacing

 giving adverts a 'make over'.  I've spent many happy (and drunken) hours rearranging news paper clippings to make my own advertising boards. -  if you ever fancy giving it a go, any headline from the Sunday Sport and a photo of Esther Rantzen are always a winning combination! -  However, thanks to the invention of the hinterwebs and a few Norfolk webbed six finger friendly snip and paint programmes, the process has become a lot less messy. - But I must admit I do miss the taste of Pritt Stick.....Anyways, here's a few I made earlier....

You may be comfortable but if you have an overly generous crotch you may also be poor because your crotch has no concept of the value of money and just keeps spend, spend, spend....